if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
