like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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