I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
there's paper in my vomit.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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