as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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