i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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