two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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