I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
