everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
