had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My pussy is not your playground.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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