I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
