if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Send help, water and tortillas.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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