I faked an abortion last night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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