I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
