Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
