first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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