You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You ate ashes out of my bong
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
