I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
