youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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