I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
