last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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