A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
