Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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