we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
