The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
