we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
