I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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