I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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