The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
i think im in europe. pls send help
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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