i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
