Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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