I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
