She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
