The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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