Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
