My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
As shirtless as possible
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
