May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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