every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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