A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
