I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
