Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
