He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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