There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
