96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
