in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
