I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
