My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
