I am midnight drunk by noon
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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