Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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