i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
