his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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