I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
