i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
