Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
