the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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